So many things I want to tell, yet there are so many things still unexplained. At this age I thought being me is the most important thing but recalling the pasts and approaching every side of my brain cortex, the definite mission is to be serenely elated, in either way.
Which story should I tell first? It's so many that I don't know where to begin with.
1) 2020 March 27th, Friday; where I am, what am I doing
Sooooooooo...... currently I'm pursuing my bachelor degree, which I am still reluctant to write about despite of everyone knowing it from the third parties. Still, the chapter is not yet available in the mean time. It happens that one of my close friend A knew that I was applying for the next level of studies and she congratulated me. So I asked her how did she knew that and she said she used my IC number to check it in the UPU page (a page to apply for the non private unis and colleges). That stunned me in a bad way, I was fuming mad and ignore her for almost 6 - 7 months. Whenever she texted me, called me or dm-ed through my social pages, I brushed it of simply and goes on without having any intention to face her and talked about this. I mean, to that extent of not having any conscience by using my private information and gladly telling me that. I can sue her but that would make things worse. Last February, I was already here a few days before new semester begun, she texted me and wanted to confront me. I gave her my time and we ended up being more than 7 hours on the phone, talking and ranting to each other. There she told me that she was only joking, she actually knew that I'm here in the college from B.
I was devastated and angry to B. It was all over the place. Back in August 2019, when A congratulated me, I texted 5 persons who knew about my acceptance letter -- did they ever tell A anything about me to anyone without my permission. B was included, and she said no she tell nobody. She lied. I was heart-wrenched. I trusted B, so much that we've been friends since 2014 and she.lied.to.me. The fact that she is here to, with me pursuing degree, together, I felt like I was back-stabbed. Just thank God, we're not in the same class, not in the same faculty. If we are, I don't know how to face her. I haven't yet asked her to verify this story but I'm treating her like I always do. No offense.
So, me and A, we are finally okay. Although first she said she was frustrated expecting me to understand her jokes. I was like whut? "Re-read our chats", she did and found out that she never explain about her being witty. Still, expecting me to have a good impression and expectation on her. "How can you expect me do that? Obviously, I'm your good friend. I know my limit. I'm never gonna use your info. It was a joke turned into bad apple." Okay, you DO know your limit. But I'm not a mind reader.
Still, we are fine now. We talked about times we had, her work life story, my student life story. We exchange our longing and misses. Not until a few days ago she said she's coming. My worse case nightmare has finally become a reality. SHE.IS.COMING. She's applying, and she's coming. I said don't, not this year I'm not okay with it. I didn't explain much, just a surface view whys and she was offended "It cost a friendship for me to get a degree," she said. I told her if she really comes, I'm gonna act like we never knew each other. She pulled away from me and giving me the silent treatment. Ok then, you do you. I'm not explaining myself.
This is my parallel universe. Everything I do, I have my own reasons whether I told anyone or not. It's just my thing, I'll deal with it. They get offended, they were hurt by both of my words and actions. If I lied, sorry you're still not in my trust line. If I share my life experience with you; then thank you for listening to this old hag complaining and not being thankful, either two; I went back home, crawl to my bed and cried. My eyes would get sore, sometimes the dark circles appeared deeper, the eye-bags are being heavier than ever. The next day, I'll be looking sick but still mask a smile and laugh like always. My whole day has always been, go out and do my daily activities like always, will always smile and laugh at the simplest and tiniest thing but when I go back home, it's a dungeon of mixed emotions that I never want them to come but they volunteerily do it anyway. Of course the sadness lingers since early in the morning, I am crying inside when the outside of me is doing nothing. Sometimes the anger come right up to me in the evening when I was laughing 'How dare you laugh right now? Despite of everything that's happening?!' and if you notice, if, I said-- if you notice, I'll be immediately stopped laughing and control my masseter. I should not be laughing at that time. And the next predictable emotion, in the exact time: sadness. I want to cry, instantly, simultaneously with laughing.
Weird enough? Yes. But sorry, I have no explanation. I don't understand myself too. It's not fair....sadly, immensely, vague and rapid;
My hair falls out a lot. I'm balding. But these days, I have a pretty good amount of time playing with my hair. It's fun. It pulls me away from the undefined opinions and voices. Getting the syle of 분홍신 era is interesting. Tho I've done it so many times but still, I got stuck in the same design - Me, 2020
Till then, inshaAllah
May Allah bless.