Parallel universe,

I registered myself for the State Embassador, in Altruistik Malaysia's. I was accepted unexpectedly. How??? .. We've gone through the action tasks and syllabus (?) which I'll make a special post for it, but I'm already intimidated by the fact that I have to give talk to other people and I've never done it before. Oh please....

***

I never thought of us sitting in the exact same crowded room, but pretending like we've never saw each other. Well, thank god actually when I saw you and you weren't looking at me though, cause if our eyes met, it'll be a total awkward to each other.

imy,

***

I always knew that expectations hurt; perceptions too,
but I never got through any of it, ever
whether I expect my life to be in a certain way,
or either they expect me to act in a certain way,
untimely,
sometimes I just want to break free from anything that disgrace myself
I failed in it, too, again,

***

There are a lot of things going on in my mind nowadays, not a bad thing if I ignore it, but as always, I overthinked. I said things I shouldve'nt said, I confessed things I wanted to keep it as a secret, what is happening to me? I'm losing myself so much. I hate to say it, but it happens. What happened actually? I wanted this to end very quickly,

"You're different, weird and intriguing in some kind of ways, different...

it's like, you're living in a total parallel universe than us..."

Sure, >me being slightly bitter.. I'm weird, always knew that..<

Butterfly,

 

Little did I know, my feelings are uncontrollable.

Limbic system; you have to work better for me. I'm a complete mess *cries*

Abruptly, I want to be able to control my reactions, my actions, my thoughts. I want to appear as a cool person. But I always fail to do so. Haha. A big reaction, always, excited and I ended up looking so stupid and make fool of myself. hmmm... I realise it happens, but I can't control it. It keeps on going right before my eyes. How can I even survive in this state then? *blank face* 

I always knew that being expressive about my feelings is not good, yet I am clearly an open book. How irony is that. I thought I want to be as highly reserved as possible but to no avail.lmao

Aensshi;Choayeo

Oh when will it come?

the day when I will forget about the despair?

Oh when will I receive?

all those recognition and admiration?

I want to embrace every single thing and live on. I want to struck the worse things and skip to the end. I want to be remembered...

20191019; Sat; 0227

What do I expect?,

What do I expect from a mere creature called human? 

of all heartbreaks over the years, it seems like I never learnt from my history. Irony as it is. It started to chill down to the black bones, I was offended. I put myself on the bed, thinking how stupid I was and how stupid I am, still. 

What do I expect from a close person, yet so far away?

even a mother can leave her kid on the street just like that, and I expect to be cared of and taken with love yet everything is still not clear. Years, I've been struggling and wailing. Not wanting everything to end in a night, I cried myself to sleep and I still, do cry myself to sleep. 

What do I expect from you?

keep secrets, they say,

20190813; Tue; 0146; keep secrets, they say

I keep secrets as long as I want.

“Acah – acah tak nak bagitahu orang konon. Eleh,”

“Takyah poyo sangat sampai nak berahsia bagai,”

“Buat apa la nak senyap sorang sorang. Apa function nak berahsia? Lagipun dorang bukan nak tahu sangat pun pasal kau,”

They said.

I have no intention to bother what people say, or judge, or have that weird look on me when they knew about my condition. They didn’t want to know how I was doing, but they poke their nose into every angle of my life, spat a bucket and leave.

I, too, have my own room to lock. I have the key and here we are. In the state of me being ridiculously shutting up my whole face so that I would concave my own inner self into deep thoughts. As outlaugh it is to you, but not for me. This is my own space, my own world that I’ve created long time ago and I have no thoughts of inviting you in. So, announcing it out loud is me telling you guys, ‘This is the line between my world and you the stranger, so never cross the border. Don’t even come anywhere near.’

I, also have no intention of telling you guys about my current situation. Be it happy news or sad. Or sharing disappointments or rage or ranting or small sighs. No. Sorry, but not sorry. I don’t feel like it. So back off please?

Of emotions September 18th,

Hello. Writing this as an introvert version of Nashrah. 

I am highly insecure... about everything.  

Meeting new people is a challenging thing that I will never want to endeavour.

Meeting people from my pasts is a painful thing that I never want to remember. 

Both are unwanted. I want to stay in my bed. I want to walk alone without having to look at them in the eye. I want to sing along to the song I listen. I want to sit at the end of the bench and cry without having them to look at me, staring in a weird way. 

I hate people. New one, old even.

  

Of marriages and life changing decisions,

20190831; Saturday; 0930 Of marriages, life changing decisions

My desk-mate when I was in primary school will get married tomorrow. But because I’m not able to attend her wedding, so I will visit her today. We started being friends simply because we were desk-mates two years in a row. I can’t remember how we suddenly sat together but definitely not because of our preference sebab tak pernah sekelas sebelum ni and that’s how we knew each other. When we’re about to begin our UPSR year (the most important exam for primary kids), we then ended up sat side by side just how we did a year before.

So, we were both 20 something years old and she finally met her jodoh (soulmate?) It happens really fast for me I mean, last year two of our group members got married and already have her first baby (another one is still pregnant). A few weeks ago, another two got married and one happens to be in my list Top 5 closest person. And tomorrow, my good friend from primary school (I think she’s the first one from our class to get married – 6A1)

I try to tell this to other people and they just brush off my thoughts simply by saying,

‘Are you jealous of them because they’re getting married?’

or some would say,

‘You’re not the one who’s married so why would you overthink and confused?’

or,

‘Ala, lupakan je la banyak lagi benda yang nak kena fikir. Takyah overthink sangat…’

etc, etc...

Clearly, this is one of the reasons why I hate to tell or share my thoughts and confusions with people. Some just don’t care, some just don’t want to understand, some would never bother to ask. Surrounded with these people, I’m becoming more reserved day by day. Sometimes I felt unfair, because the fact that I listen to them and by the time I need them I wasn’t treated the same way that I treat them *sad face emoji* (I am a good listener btw, proven by my friends and family)

'Are you jealous of them because they’re getting married?’

I have no idea how these people (the one who question me this)can even exist in my life? I mean, it shows that we’re not close enough because you know nothing about me, at all. I’m being a total grumpy now, but yeah it’s because I’m not the type of marriage-family-institution-commitment kind of person. People who really knew me would obviously have never thought of me being jealous over someone who got married. I used to tell the world that I’m not getting married. And because of the pressure, I used to lie to them that I will get married at the age of 30 (of course, being a Malay female got married at the age 30 is considered old and you are claimed to be a total ‘tak laku’, anak dara tua etc, etc…) Not gonna comment anything on that because that will drag all my complaints-self and I’m gonna look as grumpy as hell. So, the answer is NO. Not jealous. At all. Nope. No thanks.

‘You’re not the one who’s married so why would you overthink and confused?’

This one got me f*d up. Understanding people, please come and safe me from them… *cry* I’ve been very confused lately.

Is it because I won’t be able to be with them/ hangout easily together anymore? (single friends/ gang can relate)

or maybe because I feel like I lost them from my life?

Maybe.

As I question myself millions of time, now I do know that I’m actually self-conflicted and having them proceeding their life got me insecure. 

My life has always been stuck in these years:

2005, 2008, 2011, 2013, 2015 and 2018.

Because of big things (surprising--in a bad way) happened in my life on these particular years, I can’t seem to put a clear closure from this galaxy of self-hate and move on. Feelings and emotions have always been a problem to me. I was not properly nurtured and it haunted me until now. Not blaming on the upbringing because I can do nothing about it and I may be super depressed if we talked about it, but yeah, I have to find something that will make me forget about all these.

Because I still couldn't move on from those years, it intrigue me how people can simply go on with their life and move on? I mean, I still feel surreal with the fact that my peers are graduating their bachelor study, some have secured a job and some already pursuing Master’s degree. I mean, hello? I haven’t start my bachelor degree yet and they are totally way ahead leaving me behind – but what else can go wrong isn’t it? It’s just me being old when everyone already has stable job and I’m still struggling to live. So yeah, can you expect me to be okay? I don’t think so.

The fact that my persons get married put me in awe. Marriage obviously is a big thing to be consider. It’s a gamble. A life changing decision (not that finishing bachelor degree and have a job is not life changing, but marriage really draws the line between adulthood and life you've had before – get my point rt?)

I mean, how can you go on and leave me behind? 

I’m still struggling, I need to fix things with myself, my family, with you and we’re still not improving and how can you get married at this time because of course after this you won’t literally be in my life anymore? 

How can people simply agree to tie a lifelong knot with someone who you still doesn’t know and even we as close friends doesn’t really comprehend one another, yet you decided to be with them forever? 

How about us? 

How about me? 

What should I do then?

Question marks.

Again and again.

‘Ala, lupakan je la banyak lagi benda yang nak kena fikir. Takyah overthink sangat…’

Betul la tu, takyah overthink sangat sebab banyak lagi benda yang nak kena fikir. Yes. Undeniably truth it is. As I said, I always ended up being super insecure and overwhelm with everything. Tiny details of life changes made me giddy. I feel really light headed now. I’m still struggle with emotional recluse. I can’t help it. By all means, I need to move on. I need to pursue my life completely without looking back. But I'm helplessly weak, so how can I?

But I guess people wouldn’t realise this. As I said in the previous post, 

people told me that I’m different. I changed a lot, my appearance and likings. No one would expect a tomboyish-rock-grunge-emo Nashrah has finally become mellower, very women and ladylike (?) Actually, I don’t change, never did. I just potray fake masks so that they will think that I go on with my life really well whilst I’m actually still the old me inside. Dead and alive in the same time. 

A complicated human I am isn’t it?

Yes.

Can’t expect you to understand me though, I don’t even understand my own self. Things changed and people leave and life doesn’t stop for anybody, betul tak? Wei, tetiba kan lagu Keane – Everybody’s Changing fit my situation really well! Omg, baru terfikir! Hmmm… faham lah ye kenapa aku suka rock songs. Their lyrics speak my mind.  Always. Always. Tak pernah salah timing.

Well, I guess I still have to work things out. Try not to harm myself in future, I need to be a lil more secure. That’s it for now. Nak gi breakfast, lapar (sebab lepas subuh tadi sampai lah sekarang duk writing tak henti) I guess I’m gonna go. Bye!

#1 The first post : nashie and her new blog!

Assalamualaikum and Hi, salam pasca ulangtahun kemerdekaan.

Happy Independent Day Malaysia! (in advance) going 62nd this year,

and 20 something with me.

 wtv.

Anyway, I've made a new blog. I mean, I had a lot of blogs before,

http://expertmeecelup.blogspot.com/ This one is with me since 2010. I stopped writing in it in 2016, made a new blog (which I totally forget the url, email and password... probably gonna delete it later)

and some of it were deleted, there are a few that remain anonymous (an anon writer that I dream of) and it's gonna stay anonymous sampai kiamat XD haha lol. So here it is, the new one. Sekadar nak mencoret kisah. Dah lama tak menulis sebagai Nash yang suka bercerita. I took such a very long time to find the 'penulis' in me. Five years I guess? I lost my touch since 2014 and now I'm back. See, the point is some people get lost in the middle of nowhere and finally found their way back, some will lose their sense of nurturing the human in them and pretend that they are the alien that rule the Earth, well I'm neither both.

I'm just too lazy to write, I'm too lazy to be me. So I ended up seizing every bite of life until I'm totally sick of it and barfed. I was in a very bad shape ewww can't remember how but it's annoying and I don't want to remember it.

So if you meet me in person after a few years and tell me that I'm different, well yes I changed a lot. I aged a lot too (sebab aku manusia, bukan dinding duhh) This recent two years I've been listening to a lot of people that re-unite with me told me that I look totally different from three ~ five years back. I appear like a different person, they say (hmmm... ko ingat aku Kamen Rider boleh bertukar sesuka hati centu? lel~) Well, that's a different story to tell. Kalau rajin inshaAllah, ada lah post baru hihihi

Anyways, pray for my consistency, pray for my istiqamah writing in this blog #fingerscrossed

Salam pertemuan semula dunia blogging (cheesy habis)

Till then, inshaAllah.