keep secrets, they say,

20190813; Tue; 0146; keep secrets, they say

I keep secrets as long as I want.

“Acah – acah tak nak bagitahu orang konon. Eleh,”

“Takyah poyo sangat sampai nak berahsia bagai,”

“Buat apa la nak senyap sorang sorang. Apa function nak berahsia? Lagipun dorang bukan nak tahu sangat pun pasal kau,”

They said.

I have no intention to bother what people say, or judge, or have that weird look on me when they knew about my condition. They didn’t want to know how I was doing, but they poke their nose into every angle of my life, spat a bucket and leave.

I, too, have my own room to lock. I have the key and here we are. In the state of me being ridiculously shutting up my whole face so that I would concave my own inner self into deep thoughts. As outlaugh it is to you, but not for me. This is my own space, my own world that I’ve created long time ago and I have no thoughts of inviting you in. So, announcing it out loud is me telling you guys, ‘This is the line between my world and you the stranger, so never cross the border. Don’t even come anywhere near.’

I, also have no intention of telling you guys about my current situation. Be it happy news or sad. Or sharing disappointments or rage or ranting or small sighs. No. Sorry, but not sorry. I don’t feel like it. So back off please?

Of emotions September 18th,

Hello. Writing this as an introvert version of Nashrah. 

I am highly insecure... about everything.  

Meeting new people is a challenging thing that I will never want to endeavour.

Meeting people from my pasts is a painful thing that I never want to remember. 

Both are unwanted. I want to stay in my bed. I want to walk alone without having to look at them in the eye. I want to sing along to the song I listen. I want to sit at the end of the bench and cry without having them to look at me, staring in a weird way. 

I hate people. New one, old even.