Am I?,

20180422; Sunday; any time,

Me: Am I actually pushing people away?

Friend: What do you think?

Me: I think I need an answer.

Friend: Go figure.

How helpful.

What The Family Needed - Steven Amsterdam,

“There are definite, long-term details that you know about people, that you’ve always known about people in your life from every early on. You keep them in separate drawers from the daily-used details.”

Her mother was trying to explain away their departure while developing a system for the bags of clothing spread out on the floor. Giordana took her time to make up the soft bed, so that she wouldn’t be asked to do more than that,

Her mother continued.

“You block them out because you can’t even imagine that they’re important or you don’t think a time will ever come when you have to face them.” 

She was working hard on this one. 

“You expect that the problems in the bottom drawer or in the back of the closet or wherever you’ve hidden them will stay there forever. That they won’t ever apply to you.”

“Like our winter coats that we left with dad?”

“Like Dad,” 

her mother said.

Page 15, 16

Giordana, What The Family Needed - Steven Amsterdama

Oft mysterious and secretive,

20190824; Saturday; 0216

I’m keeping too many secrets from people around me. I think is very vulnerable to expose myself. Everything is so embarrassing. New stuffs of my life will be such a very unexpected kind of way to me. It’s surreal. It’s so surreal that I need a very long time to adapt into my own mind. My health, my education, my friends, what am I doing in the meantime. Everything needs a lot of time to settle down and I don’t feel like telling everyone in recent time. Like, I do update my social media accounts, but not my current situation. Just my picture. That’s it. Even if I do update my current doings, it won’t be a clear picture. Maybe just a mug from my current place, or just a picture of my feet in front of the mirror in that specific place that I’ve never mention. I mean, what’s the function of telling everyone the details of what you’re currently doing, or where are you currently at. I mean, there is no point of sharing every single issue that goes on in your life isn’t it? I even have a thought of not telling anyone if I’m married. I’ll just suddenly have kids with my husband and we will go through our life, jammed pack with us and by mean ‘us’, I mean US. Only US. No one should know.

I used to want to share things. I’ve wrote the update in my blogs or post my picture and the location along with it, or tag the person that was with me there at that specific moments. But I become very secretive and mysterious about everything just because. I don’t remember when, maybe it was around 2015 when I am so embarrassed to even show my face. I started to become mysterious. At that time, I even want other people to forget my face. I even hate my own ‘life resume’ at that time. Then I become secretive in a way that I doesn’t want anyone to know my doings. Not even my parents. I went to the hospital and hide everything behind my mom. I got caught one day, but still I told her I’m not telling her why did I go to the hospital… so yeah. I struggle alone, the pain. Literally; emotionally and physically. It was hard. I know.

But I think I’m being reclusive and wanting to conserve everything. It is still a hard thing for me to tell other people. What’s my real name, my age, where did I come from, where were my alma mater and stuffs.

Sometimes I’ve had this thought ‘Why did I even become very conclusive to myself?’ But I can never find the answer myself. I mean, sometimes I want to share my happiness, and sadness or relieving my stress and anger. But then I knew that no one will be there. No one will want to know or to hear what will I say. And I guess that’s why I write. Because no one would listen to me. I stopped writing for a few years not because I found people who listens, but maybe because I’ve lost myself. I haven’t found myself yet, but I think this is the most comfortable escapism that I can do. After trying lots of things and finally I’m back to writing. I’m back to my old box. I’m back to my old self that I want to be so much. I mean, I’m not completely like I used to be, but I think this is what I’ve choosed for now and let’s just stay for a while. I may change a little bit, but that’s what adulthood made me. I’m not yet mature, not even close to any of that, but knowing how a real life works really hit me hard.

I’m still struggling now. Torn apart between being a kid in a grown-up body or be an adult with a nine years old mindset.

Pray for me. Pray for my strength. Pray for my happiness. I am still searching for what the purpose of living, what to do, Yes, I still do. One thing for sure, I want happiness to surround me.

That’s it.

May Allah bless.