Narcissus.

Narcissus.

 I guess it's true, what people say, that never give someone a second chance. Because they might ruin it, again.  Well, maybe if infidelity is not what breaks it, maybe someday, sometime in the future when you both are really mature, you guys can try again, no? Point is, when? When that time will you consider you both already mature enough?

I tried, I moved on, and I was already happy when they came back. And I strongly said no, I was so firm with what I believed. But my emotions failed me. Seven months along the way, I found myself crying, begging so that I could happily let this go. For, whatever it is, maybe we fell too deep inside, maybe we should never begin at all. I pushed them away, tortured them with my words, but they never failed to make me leave. 

But somehow day by day, I can sense everything is fading away. Nothing amuses them anymore, no more longing, no more loving, or so to say. Sometimes I cried alone, because all I ever wanted was to be able to let go. 

I regret. For letting them in. For trying to help them. I hate having too much empathy in myself. The moment when they returned, my mind was being pathetic "It's okay, stay with them for a while. We can help them, surely we aren't catching feelings anymore", it kept running these words of empathy  "Look how they were so vulnerable in front of you, that, is how much they trusted you"  Bro what is this.. 

Maybe we aren't catching feelings. We can try to help as we can right? But what if the past's ignited?

Well, I thought I secured myself. 

I didn't.

These days, I notice they didn't want anything anymore, maybe they already sucked everything out until everything runs dry. Or maybe, because I treated them harshly in the beginning, and finally they were already tired of me. 

Whatever the reason is, I hope I can finally let go. I hope I can leave, with no regrets.

Maybe, when I'm ready to let it go, I can simply say that we have nothing to begin with, so why bother crying? We have no ties at all, this won't hurt that much right?

Deep down, I know I am still gonna get hurt. I am still going to cry, buckets. Even rn.

"It's okay, we don't have anything going on between us"

But..

Maybe, last year was really something. Or maybe this year is...

*     *     *

Losing us.

I love you more than it should

And you said you feel it too
Thought it was a happy ending
But no it's just beginning

And then you leave me all behind
And you said "don't come back again"

And I said
"Why would I come back to you
If you don't need me too
I'll be losing you
And you'll be losing me"

Time passing by
You come back again
You said sorry for what you've done

But how many times you repeat the same mistakes?
How many times did it take to forgive you again and again
Then you start hurting me, hurting me
Pushing me away from you

And then you leave me all behind
And you said "don't come back again"

And I said
"Why would I come back to you
If you don't need me too
I'll be losing you
And you'll be losing me"

Why would I have to trust you
To keep my heart safe, oh, why am I
Have to be that fool for you?

I would do anything for you
As long as you want me to
But I guess you never want me
The way I'm wanting you

Why would I come back to you
If you don't need me too
I'll be losing you
And you'll be losing me

Why would have to trust you
To keep my heart safe? Oh, why am I
Have to be that fool for you?

Why would I come back to you
If you don't need me too
I'll be losing you
And we'll be losing us

Bento Cake

Posting 5 days ahead.

 "Kamu nggak bisa kayak begini terus, ."

"Nggak bisa gini itu gimana?" 

"Datang dan hilang seenak kamu." 

*          *          *

"Jika masih ada aku dibagian kecil ingatanmu, hubungi aku kembali ayang." 

*          *          *  

Happy birthday. Whatever you're doing right now, I hope we don't meet anymore, not like last year's. I miss myself. I miss my old self. and I hate the fact that it was you, who was the last person I gave my real true self. Because you don't deserve it. You never deserve it. You don't even deserve any good person in this life, you don't deserve your parents, your family or your friends. Because I hope they leave you one day. Just like how you leave me, or other girls. 

p/s: I want a Korean bento cake for my birthday,

too..

˗ˏˋ ᗩᑌTᑌᗰᑎ ˎˊ˗

                                Autumn is a sad girl. Drenched in rain, she's afraid of lightning and thunderstorms. But she loves how the sky cries because she can join them too. 

                Autumn is a sad girl. She fell in love with Taylor Swift, not because of her pop songs or post-breakup hits that dissed each of her exes. But because of her sad songs, of her genuine lyrics, she never knew that she could ever relate to the star. All the beautiful storytelling journey that she had gone through is so amazing. 

            Autumn is her favourite season, autumn is also the season when she lost her favourite person. And she never found someone else who could replace him. Even a year later, she still fails. A year later, on this day, she still failed to forget him. A year later, in autumn; she cries because she hates him, she hates how bad he used to treat her, and she still hates herself because no matter how hard she tries, she still can't remove him from her memories. She hates knowing that he treated her like a whore, but his reminiscent is still there; lingers.

            There were times when the clock struck 1312, the pain was triggered, and she fell down. There were times it was 0211 and she cried unwillingly because she wanted it to stop. Sometimes, she used to think that ending her life by all means just to end the pain. Life is good tho, but the pain? She's still struggling on her own. 

            She tried medication, she tried psychotherapist, she tried counselling, she tried wearing loose, black clothes which only showed her eyes. But everything dissipated into thin air. 

        She's still alive though. That's all that matters right?

"You are free to go."

 PLAY : THE LONELIEST - MANESKIN

August 17th 2022; Wednesday; 2103 approx. "You are free to go" - quoted. As ironic and cliche as it is, 

letting her go or actually wanting the freedom for himself, who knows.

Nobody lasted anyway.

I stumbled upon this website (click on picture) that talks about how Lilo actually had separation anxiety disorder and attachment anxiety disorder. I feel sad. I love Stitch, for sure; Lilo too, didn't know that she suffers from those. Irony again, that's what her last words too. 

                            *   *   *

"I never tell you what my insecurity is right?" she said, heartbrokenly.

"What is it?" he asked out of curiosity. Or maybe he was just trying to be polite. 

"Seeing the people I love leave me,"** her voice cracked. 

That silenced him for a second. 

He arranged his words, "You know that it's too late for you to tell me now right? I begged you to tell me this whole time and you said nothing. Nothing!" his voice raised. 

"It's too late.." he called her name. Oh, how heartwrenching it was to hear her name on his lips again. 

She's on the verge of tears. "I don't care if it's too late or not. I'll go back in time and would still choose the same path over and over again!"

"Why are you telling me now? I don't want to listen to any of this anymore." he's sick of everything. He just wanted to end everything quickly. So he could go back to sleep and prepare for his work tomorrow.

"Because I lost you now." She cried.

"I lost you now.." she felt suffocated. "and you are the proof that my insecurity will always win."

she continued to cry.

"Everyone will finally leave anyway. Including you"

                           *  *  *

     Nobody knew she always counts the days she spent with the people she love since day 1 they met, because if one day they leave; at least she know the timeline; to prepare if she was to be abandoned again in the future.    

    She wanted to have someone who could listen to her, be with her through her ups and her down, through her giving them hell and her giving them heaven. Through her loneliest day and fullest nights, through the shits and flowers. She needs someone who she can be vulnerable with, and tell every weakness that she has. And even after all those bloody moments, that person stays. Lasts. 

    But it takes her everything to keep it to herself. Nobody knew how hard it is holding every emotion by herself. Because she's afraid that she might burden them. She's afraid that she was just dumping her stuffs on them and annoy them. She's being careful and considerate of the other person. 

    What if one day they wanna leave? What if the feeling of guilt for turning her fear** into reality stops them from leaving? Only pity and sympathy left for her. Wouldn't that make her fool out of herself? Wouldn't that make her run free in her own imagination when the other person was making it as a laughing stock and say "poor that lunatic girl".

    She just wanted to make everything clear. If they wanna leave, then just go. Let's not make them hesitate. Let's not make them stay out of feeling sorry. One day, when they're leaving, she'll tell them the truth. Not to blame, not to make them reluctant of their own choice, but to set the boundaries; though facing with her utmost fear - she still can let them go. 

    Though it's going to take her months, maybe years to overcome her crying at night, treacherous nightmares, and waking up to sudden traumatic panic attacks, of her GERD and gastritis problems, of the sudden weight loss and appetite loss. 

She's too tired. She's done. Never again.

"You have me.."

I could hear my heart start to beat faster. My voice started to crack when I continue telling how my day was and what happened that day on daily basis. 

"I have no one behind my back, I only have myself so yeah.." I couldn't continue.

There was a subtle pause. 

"Jangan la cakap macamtu. You have me, okay?" he said. Trying to convince me that he's staying, maybe.

That silenced me. If I were 4 years younger, I may have cried or touched by the warmth. I didn't know, should I cry? Or should I hold on to those mere words of affirmation?  

 

4 months update in pictures

  (end November 2021 ~ and future)

 so... Onye Gang has been created. After all the chaos, fights, jealousy and everything overwhelming stuffs, here we are; 

 

tbc...

I am in pain, are you?

Ramadhan day 4, 1442H

Errday, the same happy scene plays over and over again. Everything is just your pranks.

Then I woke up, took my phone, and scrolled for my 'good morning' texts.

None. 

Reality struck. I threw the dice and gave you a chance, though been given a fake one beforehand. 

Here I am five months later, still fail and broken.

Oblivian. I am in pain, are you?

You took everything and left me none. I have nothing left, no emotions, no more space, no more hopes. Nada. 

Posted on 13/11/2020 12:45 AM

I asked, "Why would you play with fire when you can't handle the heat?" it seems like my question has been ignored. Well, I didn't expect any answer though. Because that side doesn't seem to comprehand my way of talking. Not like we're on the different page, but somehow I'm a little bit above thee, I guess.. It has been a challenging two years for me to regrow myself. If I were to say, dead on the inside, is because of the unforgiven mistakes. I'm the one who aren't willing to make peace with it. Going though these stages and phases, I can't deny, it took the whole blood, sweat and tears, literally, for me to go through 

20201010; Saturday

20201019; Monday

20201025; Sunday

the other side of a clover,

 These bright sheets spread wide,

taking every nature's side,

churning every dark ambiance,

You can call them champions, 

or maybe, for an instance, the Avengers,

creeping through every angles,

The gloomiest day has arrived. 

Where anger and calamity collide.

I have thoughts of taking everything away.

Pierce my every skin and get decay.

You know, it happens sometimes.

When my kindness was mistaken as grimes. 

There are more pages yet to be discover;

either in monochrome or other specific colour;

we may still healing we may recover;

we can linger we can hover;

don't forget to be kind to every flower,

instead, why don't we find a five leaves clover?

20200907; monday; end - 1802

"Nashrah, you are loved"

One would tell me I should live my life properly, that I should work harder and put more effort.

One said I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, that I should treat myself better and learn to pat my back.

Which one is it?

Am I the laziest? Or do I work the hardest?

 There're aren't so many people who's willing to really be there. Not much. 

Some would see the beauty side of me, some would just be repulsive.

I probably could't feel any more complicated than this. 

I have a love-hate relationship with running

Sometimes I love it

Sometimes I hate it

Sometimes I stay

Sometimes I leave

I put hopes on people.

I cling into every knacks and corners of their limb.

When they don't even spare any space in their heart.

You build up hope but failure's all you've known

I couldn't fathom what makes you said thee.

I'm more than confused, I'm baffled.

You know what, we're not going anywhere nearer there. 

I convinced myself so many times

"Nashrah, you are loved"