20200521; Thursday; 0043
I was contemplating whether to post this or not. Despite of those
bundles of posts that I’ve been writing, I keep most of them to myself. I can’t
find the courage to publish it anywhere. Seven years of hiding had become a
part of me I guess. Because today I miss you so badly, wherever you are, whenever
you are, I hope you’ll find this.
It’s already May 22nd here in Malaysia, but it’s
still yesterday at your place. So, Happy Birthday Ayen! Selamat dua puluh tujuh
tahun. Seven years has it been isn’t it? I can’t express the emotions through words,
not anymore. I used to be extremely expressive, but it has been toned down ever
since we parted ways. Who knows what future held for us? Malaysia has been good.
House; like always. Me? Idk, depends.
I start missing everything I had back then, my youth my confidence
my bravery, everything I sacrificed for what I have right now. We fight, we fall,
all hell breaks loose but you know, some things just don’t feel compatible to
what we had talked years ago. You are the very first one who knew me from top to
toe, even my parents lost to you. A part of me stays, most of them left. I may not be the person you used to
know or the girl you used to have fun with, vice versa. I don’t think I would
recognise you if we are to walk on the pavement grey. Things have changed, immensely.
I did too.
Memories are good. No, they are not.
I could write pages, about the good times that we’ve spent,
about the painful things that we did to each other, when we had each other’s back
during hard times but no, not today, not even in the future. What stays behind,
stays behind.
I miss you. I miss us and I miss me.
Do you remember when I was fifteen? That time we went to
underground gig somewhere in Ampang without mom knowing it? We went to several
gigs multiple times that year, despite of being a PMR candidate. You came along
just because you concerned, not like you want to be there. Sorry, I had you to
tag along. It was a good time. A good time. I think that was the most impulsive
things I’ve ever did as a rebellious teen. Maybe I felt safe with you tho. Idk.
If I were to go back at that moment again, no I won’t. Not
that I despise us, but because of the grimacing phase that we’ve all been going
through. We were both happy, but that lived for a short moment. We had to let
each other go. It was hard. We both had it hard. It was because of the distance
isn’t it? I still remember how I cried buckets, you too.
If you to asked why I wrote this, just know that I am acknowledging, I'm embracing that you exist in my life. Even when you're not here anymore.
Today, this moment, now, I feel like crying, again. I feel
like hugging you, hoping that your warmth could spare me some strength to live on.
I’ve lost my own ‘root’. The most vulnerable, most suffocating, heart-wrecking
me. I know I’m being stupid right now, but a part of me was still hoping that
the old us could blow me a little bit of life to live on, because breathing
seems very hard these days.
*smile*
I miss you Ayen, I miss us, I miss me.
Happy Birthday my favourite past,
May 21st 1993