the other side of a clover,

 These bright sheets spread wide,

taking every nature's side,

churning every dark ambiance,

You can call them champions, 

or maybe, for an instance, the Avengers,

creeping through every angles,

The gloomiest day has arrived. 

Where anger and calamity collide.

I have thoughts of taking everything away.

Pierce my every skin and get decay.

You know, it happens sometimes.

When my kindness was mistaken as grimes. 

There are more pages yet to be discover;

either in monochrome or other specific colour;

we may still healing we may recover;

we can linger we can hover;

don't forget to be kind to every flower,

instead, why don't we find a five leaves clover?

20200907; monday; end - 1802

"Nashrah, you are loved"

One would tell me I should live my life properly, that I should work harder and put more effort.

One said I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, that I should treat myself better and learn to pat my back.

Which one is it?

Am I the laziest? Or do I work the hardest?

 There're aren't so many people who's willing to really be there. Not much. 

Some would see the beauty side of me, some would just be repulsive.

I probably could't feel any more complicated than this. 

I have a love-hate relationship with running

Sometimes I love it

Sometimes I hate it

Sometimes I stay

Sometimes I leave

I put hopes on people.

I cling into every knacks and corners of their limb.

When they don't even spare any space in their heart.

You build up hope but failure's all you've known

I couldn't fathom what makes you said thee.

I'm more than confused, I'm baffled.

You know what, we're not going anywhere nearer there. 

I convinced myself so many times

"Nashrah, you are loved"

"From Your Demon" - Mato

 "they'll tell that heavy dose of melancholia ain't healthy,"

True. But only claiming things and classifying it won't do anything. What have they done to prevent it so? What have WE done to make it better? Some people would just shrugs and brush things off because it matters nothing to them. But some struggles every single day not to stay dead. It's the matter of self stand, but it the meantime people made them that way. Some would just say, 'Oh, you can forget what other people talk about you, screw them,' etc etc but somehow you can't stop to remember every single pain that you received from them. As if, nothing happens *smirk* I probably don't know anything about someone else's pain, but I do know they need someone to embrace them, because they are not able to embrace their own. I know they need someone, just someone, throughout the whole life, to sincerely ask whether they're okay or not. And truly care about how they feel. Not just simply turn the question into a professional session or numb questions that they never meant to ask.

Just a thought.

Some people would just judge and appear significantly innocent, preach like they had all those shits smeared at them and they excel going through it. That's bullshit. Truth is either they were born with silver spoon in their mouth, or they grown up with only two brain cells and live on by smudging rubbish into their guts. They know nothing. And by NOTHING, I mean NOTHING. I may sounded so negative now, but that the pain truth.

30 August 2019 at 21:2

20200526; Tuesday; 0345

20200616: Tuesday: 2123 quote unquote ---20200526; Tuesday; 0345

I feel so sad. I want to tell someone about my feelings. I want someone to just sit there, listen wholeheartedly. I thought being a good listener would give me something similar in return, the rumour it’s not true though. I don’t have a shoulder to cry on right now. Or is it because I disbelief my own people? I guess I am. Their act may dishearten me, or maybe the insecurities kill my own courage to do so? Idk. Everything seems so vague right now. I thought being busy would distract me, it doesn’t.

One would tell me I should live my life properly, that I should work harder and put more effort.

One said I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, that I should treat myself better and learn to pat my back.

Which one is it?

Am I the laziest? Or do I work the hardest?

I couldn’t stay rooted. I listen so well that I don’t have any side to pick. I want to cry so badly right now. I wish I can just vent out my own despair without having to care about what people think about me. I hope that ranting away on a rooftop with someone who can actually grasp the concept of being extremely self-aware shall pull me out from the infinite realm of jargon of my own limbic system. I’m being barmy, excessively dozy even in the broad daylight, everything on the not-to-do checklist; I ticked every boxes. I lurch to each edge of obscene douane, smirking to the bystanders who would clap to my poor insinuation of grappling the side rope which act as a guide to the track of given belief.

I thought taking away myself from everyone would be a great escape,

I thought putting away all the stacks aside can deviate me from resentful thoughts,

I thought distracting myself with piles of energy could end me up in oblivion,

I was wrong.

The given feelings overthrow everything I thought I had mastered. I obliged to the rules set ever since before I was born, or maybe I thought I did. My own audacity, unyielding since. I am scarcely comprised. I don’t even comprehend my own upper motor neuron hence my lower motor. I thought by memorising the ASIA Scale would be enough, I outlaugh myself this time, always actually. I am angry; at everyone; at myself - most of the time. Well, don’t ask me to hold in because believe me baby, I did it longer than you been alive, you idiot.

Why would lamentations result in salty droplets or red eyes or puffed nose or swollen lacrimal sacs or smothered chest? Why can’t sorrow make flower petals fall instead? Isn’t it prettier? I love flowers by the way, especially roses. I think you can tell by looking at my whole blog, if you’re not having any problems with your sights. Reading up to this passage, I wish I can continue to understand my own liberty to word out my involuntary physical response in future. Are you?

Dear readers if I had any, if one of you; if and only if – though I don’t think it will happen in 10 years time, if one of you, yes you, if you do understand this page and try or maybe not to seek for me, try harder. Because I may avoid you. Irony isn’t it? I want to search for someone who read the same book, speak the same language but when one does appear, I hide. Lol! Apologise! We need to fix it that later in the future. I hope our fate entwins, I hope everything fall into their own place gracefully, I hope the flowers bloom by the time arrive.

Till then, see you soon.

May Allah bless.

Dismissal,

20200610; Wednesday; 0812; online class Human Physiology Dr Wang on waiting list,

It wouldn’t have come to an end if I were to put this, but somehow it did. I thought of writing about positive things but I’ve become gloomy instead. With the sun glimpsing through the raindrops, the crickets coming through their shelter and decided to sing a morning song, the squirrel was jumping on the dewy grass suddenly matched eyes with me, the surface of the harvested paddy field flooded with rainwater ripples, not by the rainfall but by the little fish that were happily clustered their own bellies, how can I not be? Let’s not talk about why we are here, just take a sit back and drown with me. Weeks ago, I was looking through the old staircases that have been wrecking, making hasteful sound each time I crept onto it, when I found old books of mine. And when I say old books, it means books that I don’t read anymore. My kindergarten books, my primary school books, all the fiction and fairytale stories that my mom bought. Well my dad never bought any, he would’ve just gives us money and we can buy any books that we want, if we would talk about case of buying paperbacks.

Anyways, those books took me to a long distance journey of childhood, reminiscence took every bite of energy from my gray matter. I almost fluctuated. Some of it push me to the boundaries, of where I am now, some of it I don’t even remember owning it though my name was carved in the inner part of the skin. Some gave the best values ingrained in me still, were lost and can never be found. I took a heavy breath. Being sentimentally longing to memories is what I least wanted yet it still happens. I guess that comes with age. As the number increases, our central nervous system put on a conspiracy against us and build a new factory of forgotten scenes that made us laugh when it used to be sad, cry when it used to be happy and livid when the history was originally calm and serene. Pathetic, or maybe intriguing.

“Nashrah, can you please just stop being a dramatic old hag and live within future?”

said someone in the mirror, who was sitting on a rocking chair that finally drove her to sleep. As an outlaugh as it is, time has been the most mysterious thing that evades our soul, filling through every knacks and corners of our sulcus, delighted and depressing us simultaneously. I wanted to use the time turner, go back in time and slap that kid in the face, told her to act properly… or maybe just gave her a big hug, a long one, and say ‘You’re doing great,’. I said ‘I wanted’, I’m not having it anymore. I’d rather put an end to everything instead. Shove everything off, shushing everything out and walk away. The worst demeanour but the simplest one.

I want to write more as of now, but I’m not doing it. A successful huge procrastinator I am, undoubtedly. I am still waiting for the internet coverage to crawl into my territory as I’m writing this in the Microsoft Office Word 2016 version. Well, the internet fails me. A little bit shocking as we are now strutting into 21^st century. Future, you tell me *smirk*. I’m about to whine on how unfair online classes have been to me, don’t mention the teachers who yet to have curiosity of our whereabouts and our upbringing, well it isn’t fair! I lived in a jungle, in a cave or maybe under the rock, in the mountains even. Lifeless and contaminated by the ignorance of interaction which has evaded my professional life, I suppose.

When I dearly desperate for the breath of knowledge and gaining everything in order to fill up the life in between, I fell rock bottom. The morning breeze couldn’t pick up anything, they had lost in the vast prominence of hardships, failing, and I, too, have failed. I went to every part of the land in the search of the unseen thing, even despair. What if this has never started? What if this will never end? My persecution, mourning, vulturism, is the one and only me wailing and pleading to cut everything off the ground. I could abolish myself, throw a party and beg for innocence. Or I may slice every skin that never comprehend their own master, disrupting every senses, claiming guilty and sentence for a maxim, a verdict I call it. 

I cannot help but to write, because listening is fatal for everyone around me. I cannot help but to jot down this anguish desire to be heard and perpetuate each blood to run without having any disruption from heavy traffics. You get what you give? That’s bloody unlikely, people tell you many lies and they expect you to believe it, like a toddler whose eyes shone when cinematised with fairy floss and gummy confectionaries. Well, you did. What a fool! My circumstances couldn’t see any road path that leads to where it’s supposed to go. Where is the light at the end of every tunnel? Or I don’t even deserve one?

Happy Birthday Ayen!

20200521; Thursday; 0043

I was contemplating whether to post this or not. Despite of those bundles of posts that I’ve been writing, I keep most of them to myself. I can’t find the courage to publish it anywhere. Seven years of hiding had become a part of me I guess. Because today I miss you so badly, wherever you are, whenever you are, I hope you’ll find this.

It’s already May 22^nd here in Malaysia, but it’s still yesterday at your place. So, Happy Birthday Ayen! Selamat dua puluh tujuh tahun. Seven years has it been isn’t it? I can’t express the emotions through words, not anymore. I used to be extremely expressive, but it has been toned down ever since we parted ways. Who knows what future held for us? Malaysia has been good. House; like always. Me? Idk, depends.

I start missing everything I had back then, my youth my confidence my bravery, everything I sacrificed for what I have right now. We fight, we fall, all hell breaks loose but you know, some things just don’t feel compatible to what we had talked years ago. You are the very first one who knew me from top to toe, even my parents lost to you. A part of me stays, most of them left. I may not be the person you used to know or the girl you used to have fun with, vice versa. I don’t think I would recognise you if we are to walk on the pavement grey. Things have changed, immensely. I did too.

Memories are good. No, they are not.

I could write pages, about the good times that we’ve spent, about the painful things that we did to each other, when we had each other’s back during hard times but no, not today, not even in the future. What stays behind, stays behind.

I miss you. I miss us and I miss me.

Do you remember when I was fifteen? That time we went to underground gig somewhere in Ampang without mom knowing it? We went to several gigs multiple times that year, despite of being a PMR candidate. You came along just because you concerned, not like you want to be there. Sorry, I had you to tag along. It was a good time. A good time. I think that was the most impulsive things I’ve ever did as a rebellious teen. Maybe I felt safe with you tho. Idk.

If I were to go back at that moment again, no I won’t. Not that I despise us, but because of the grimacing phase that we’ve all been going through. We were both happy, but that lived for a short moment. We had to let each other go. It was hard. We both had it hard. It was because of the distance isn’t it? I still remember how I cried buckets, you too.

If you to asked why I wrote this, just know that I am acknowledging, I'm embracing that you exist in my life. Even when you're not here anymore.

Today, this moment, now, I feel like crying, again. I feel like hugging you, hoping that your warmth could spare me some strength to live on. I’ve lost my own ‘root’. The most vulnerable, most suffocating, heart-wrecking me. I know I’m being stupid right now, but a part of me was still hoping that the old us could blow me a little bit of life to live on, because breathing seems very hard these days.

*smile*

I miss you Ayen, I miss us, I miss me.

Happy Birthday my favourite past,

May 21^st 1993

Am I?,

20180422; Sunday; any time,

Me: Am I actually pushing people away?

Friend: What do you think?

Me: I think I need an answer.

Friend: Go figure.

How helpful.

What The Family Needed - Steven Amsterdam,

“There are definite, long-term details that you know about people, that you’ve always known about people in your life from every early on. You keep them in separate drawers from the daily-used details.”

Her mother was trying to explain away their departure while developing a system for the bags of clothing spread out on the floor. Giordana took her time to make up the soft bed, so that she wouldn’t be asked to do more than that,

Her mother continued.

“You block them out because you can’t even imagine that they’re important or you don’t think a time will ever come when you have to face them.” 

She was working hard on this one. 

“You expect that the problems in the bottom drawer or in the back of the closet or wherever you’ve hidden them will stay there forever. That they won’t ever apply to you.”

“Like our winter coats that we left with dad?”

“Like Dad,” 

her mother said.

Page 15, 16

Giordana, What The Family Needed - Steven Amsterdama

Oft mysterious and secretive,

20190824; Saturday; 0216

I’m keeping too many secrets from people around me. I think is very vulnerable to expose myself. Everything is so embarrassing. New stuffs of my life will be such a very unexpected kind of way to me. It’s surreal. It’s so surreal that I need a very long time to adapt into my own mind. My health, my education, my friends, what am I doing in the meantime. Everything needs a lot of time to settle down and I don’t feel like telling everyone in recent time. Like, I do update my social media accounts, but not my current situation. Just my picture. That’s it. Even if I do update my current doings, it won’t be a clear picture. Maybe just a mug from my current place, or just a picture of my feet in front of the mirror in that specific place that I’ve never mention. I mean, what’s the function of telling everyone the details of what you’re currently doing, or where are you currently at. I mean, there is no point of sharing every single issue that goes on in your life isn’t it? I even have a thought of not telling anyone if I’m married. I’ll just suddenly have kids with my husband and we will go through our life, jammed pack with us and by mean ‘us’, I mean US. Only US. No one should know.

I used to want to share things. I’ve wrote the update in my blogs or post my picture and the location along with it, or tag the person that was with me there at that specific moments. But I become very secretive and mysterious about everything just because. I don’t remember when, maybe it was around 2015 when I am so embarrassed to even show my face. I started to become mysterious. At that time, I even want other people to forget my face. I even hate my own ‘life resume’ at that time. Then I become secretive in a way that I doesn’t want anyone to know my doings. Not even my parents. I went to the hospital and hide everything behind my mom. I got caught one day, but still I told her I’m not telling her why did I go to the hospital… so yeah. I struggle alone, the pain. Literally; emotionally and physically. It was hard. I know.

But I think I’m being reclusive and wanting to conserve everything. It is still a hard thing for me to tell other people. What’s my real name, my age, where did I come from, where were my alma mater and stuffs.

Sometimes I’ve had this thought ‘Why did I even become very conclusive to myself?’ But I can never find the answer myself. I mean, sometimes I want to share my happiness, and sadness or relieving my stress and anger. But then I knew that no one will be there. No one will want to know or to hear what will I say. And I guess that’s why I write. Because no one would listen to me. I stopped writing for a few years not because I found people who listens, but maybe because I’ve lost myself. I haven’t found myself yet, but I think this is the most comfortable escapism that I can do. After trying lots of things and finally I’m back to writing. I’m back to my old box. I’m back to my old self that I want to be so much. I mean, I’m not completely like I used to be, but I think this is what I’ve choosed for now and let’s just stay for a while. I may change a little bit, but that’s what adulthood made me. I’m not yet mature, not even close to any of that, but knowing how a real life works really hit me hard.

I’m still struggling now. Torn apart between being a kid in a grown-up body or be an adult with a nine years old mindset.

Pray for me. Pray for my strength. Pray for my happiness. I am still searching for what the purpose of living, what to do, Yes, I still do. One thing for sure, I want happiness to surround me.

That’s it.

May Allah bless.

I'm okay,

I try to pretend that I’m fine

I try to ignore everything

Every day, your nightmare wakes me up

Your cold eyes

Your annoyed face

I’ll return it all

I’m sick of this too

I’ll throw it all out

No matter how hard

I try to trust you

You’re avoiding my eyes

Your lips are, again, again

I’ll forget it all, I wanna forget you

I have no interest anymore

I’ll clean my slate, with nothing left behind

At one time

I believed we would be together

But now I’m sending those days off to the wind

Far away

It’s alright, now I’ll

Find my own way

I wanna follow my dream

I’m ok ok

You pretend to be indifferent

Calling me as if you’re testing me

Pretending to care about me

You look at me

This ambiguous and lukewarm something

I don’t like playing games of push and pull

No thanks baby

At one time

I believed we would be together

But now I’m sending those days off to the wind

Far away

It’s alright, now I’ll

Find my own way

I wanna follow my dream

I’m ok ok

After time passes

And I think of you sometimes

I’ll laugh with a smile

Calmly

Pain and tears

It’s all over now

Without you you, from now on

Even without you, I’m ok

Right alright alright

Right alright alright

Right alright alright

I’m ok

Fine,

On a ripped piece of paper

I wrote down how I really feel

And it gets clear, something bout you

Yeah, you and I are similar but different

Do you feel the same way?

I’m getting my hopes up

When one day, one month, one year passes

Will we be living different lives?

Not me, it won’t be easy for me

Still, you fill up my days

Not yet, I tell myself, like a fool

I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth

It’s not fine

It’s not fine

With my hair tightly tied up

I’m cleaning up my messy room

I’m looking for something new

Sometimes, I get this overwhelming feeling

Of having to do something

So I move around for no reason

When one day, one month, one year passes

You said you’d probably smile and reminisce but

Not me, it won’t be easy for me

Still, you fill up my days

Not yet, I tell myself, like a fool

I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth

It's not fine (it's not fine, it's not fine)

It's not fine

Between the meaningless jokes, back-and-forth conversations

And all the people, I look like I’m fine

I pretend to be numb and I try to smile

I try to turn around from your shadow but

I keep thinking about our last moment

The words “take care” was it for our plain breakup, oh!

Not yet, I tell myself, like a fool (I tell myself)

I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth

It's not fine (it's not fine)

It's not fine

It's not fine

Parallel universe 2.0,

So many things I want to tell, yet there are so many things still unexplained. At this age I thought being me is the most important thing but recalling the pasts and approaching every side of my brain cortex, the definite mission is to be serenely elated, in either way. 

Which story should I tell first? It's so many that I don't know where to begin with. 

1) 2020 March 27th, Friday; where I am, what am I doing

Sooooooooo...... currently I'm pursuing my bachelor degree, which I am still reluctant to write about despite of everyone knowing it from the third parties.  Still, the chapter is not yet available in the mean time. It happens that one of my close friend A knew that I was applying for the next level of studies and she congratulated me. So I asked her how did she knew that and she said she used my IC number to check it in the UPU page (a page to apply for the non private unis and colleges). That stunned me in a bad way, I was fuming mad and ignore her for almost 6 - 7 months. Whenever she texted me, called me or dm-ed through my social pages, I brushed it of simply and goes on without having any intention to face her and talked about this. I mean, to that extent of not having any conscience by using my private information and gladly telling me that. I can sue her but that would make things worse. Last February, I was already here a few days before new semester begun, she texted me and wanted to confront me. I gave her my time and we ended up being more than 7 hours on the phone, talking and ranting to each other. There she told me that she was only joking, she actually knew that I'm here in the college from B. 

I was devastated and angry to B. It was all over the place. Back in August 2019, when A congratulated me, I texted 5 persons who knew about my acceptance letter -- did they ever tell A anything about me to anyone without my permission. B was included, and she said no she tell nobody. She lied. I was heart-wrenched. I trusted B, so much that we've been friends since 2014 and she.lied.to.me. The fact that she is here to, with me pursuing degree, together, I felt like I was back-stabbed. Just thank God, we're not in the same class, not in the same faculty. If we are, I don't know how to face her. I haven't yet asked her to verify this story but I'm treating her like I always do. No offense. 

So, me and A, we are finally okay. Although first she said she was frustrated expecting me to understand her jokes. I was like whut? "Re-read our chats", she did and found out that she never explain about her being witty. Still, expecting me to have a good impression and expectation on her. "How can you expect me do that? Obviously, I'm your good friend. I know my limit. I'm never gonna use your info. It was a joke turned into bad apple." Okay, you DO know your limit. But I'm not a mind reader.

Still, we are fine now. We talked about times we had, her work life story, my student life story. We exchange our longing and misses. Not until a few days ago she said she's coming. My worse case nightmare has finally become a reality. SHE.IS.COMING. She's applying, and she's coming. I said don't, not this year I'm not okay with it. I didn't explain much, just a surface view whys and she was offended "It cost a friendship for me to get a degree," she said. I told her if she really comes, I'm gonna act like we never knew each other. She pulled away from me and giving me the silent treatment. Ok then, you do you. I'm not explaining myself. 

This is my parallel universe. Everything I do, I have my own reasons whether I told anyone or not. It's just my thing, I'll deal with it. They get offended, they were hurt by both of my words and actions. If I lied, sorry you're still not in my trust line. If I share my life experience with you; then thank you for listening to this old hag complaining and not being thankful, either two; I went back home, crawl to my bed and cried. My eyes would get sore, sometimes the dark circles appeared deeper, the eye-bags are being heavier than ever. The next day, I'll be looking sick but still mask a smile and laugh like always. My whole day has always been, go out and do my daily activities like always, will always smile and laugh at the simplest and tiniest thing but when I go back home, it's a dungeon of mixed emotions that I never want them to come but they volunteerily do it anyway. Of course the sadness lingers since early in the morning, I am crying inside when the outside of me is doing nothing. Sometimes the anger come right up to me in the evening when I was laughing 'How dare you laugh right now? Despite of everything that's happening?!' and if you notice, if, I said-- if you notice, I'll be immediately stopped laughing and control my masseter. I should not be laughing at that time. And the next predictable emotion, in the exact time: sadness. I want to cry, instantly, simultaneously with laughing. 

Weird enough? Yes. But sorry, I have no explanation. I don't understand myself too. It's not fair....sadly, immensely, vague and rapid;

My hair falls out a lot. I'm balding. But these days, I have a pretty good amount of time playing with my hair. It's fun. It pulls me away from the undefined opinions and voices.  Getting the syle of 분홍신 era is interesting. Tho I've done it so many times but still, I got stuck in the same design - Me, 2020

Till then, inshaAllah

May Allah bless.

Leap day,

Leaping more than 2 months from my previous post; welcome new year (February but still not too late), welcome new semester. It's been a few weeks since new semester has begun. I'm quite busy throughout the semester break as I was not in Malaysia. We went for umrah, alhamdulillah everything went well. Gonna make a special post for it soon,

Anyways, how's school guys? How's life? Is it good? I hope it is. Mine has gone a little bit topsy-turvy, but so far it's good. The progression on my studies, growth in the volunteerism, with the deen, with the family, with friends, with the country. 

Tak sekarang ni aku mengantuk. Nanti sambung.

***

20200313; Fri; 0146

I was in KL writing the first part, I was invited under the Altruistik Malaysia as the partner. A Global Peace Summit done for the fourth time. It was the first time for me tho and the last. Well that's not the main point actually, 

 

I wanted to tell everyone how did I feel every single day. But I think it's useless anyway.  

Idk whether I should be happy or sad. I have 3 days packed with classes, and have 4 days free. I was both in hectic and have nothing to do in the same time.

Being distracted for three days doesn't change anything. The emotions are still there, the feeling is always going on strong. Nothing will alternate the hideous fact that it exists. Being busy is a way to make us forget but the severity is that it's still happening in the midst of it. - Me

I couldn't remember when is the last time I'm being myself. I thought I'm living the way I am, but I don't. I'm surviving, that's it. It came to me that my person told me that I'm doing it properly. I cried. Since I was small, I've always listen to people saying that I'm not good enough in everything. The bitch me couldn't care less about what they thought whether it's bad or not. But being more than twenty years old, I fail to control my tears. Recklessly, they run down for many times and never get bored. I was almost seventeen when I worked so hard studying for the major exam, I fell sick so many times, gastritis, migraine. You name it. I couldn't count the phases. It's too much.

I am more than twenty years old, but still some question my everything. Of course, I'm never too good for everything. There this one time when I thought of quitting everything. I thought of removing every single thing away from my life. I want to stop trying, I want to stop living so hard, I want to stop listening to my voices that never stop confusing and depressing me. It's too much. I've no one to talk to. Or maybe I do, I just don't trust them yet/ anymore.

Another,