August 17th 2022; Wednesday; 2103 approx. "You are free to go" - quoted. As ironic and cliche as it is,
Nobody lasted anyway.
I stumbled upon this website (click on picture) that talks about how Lilo actually had separation anxiety disorder and attachment anxiety disorder. I feel sad. I love Stitch, for sure; Lilo too, didn't know that she suffers from those. Irony again, that's what her last words too.
* * *
"I never tell you what my insecurity is right?" she said, heartbrokenly.
"What is it?" he asked out of curiosity. Or maybe he was just trying to be polite.
"Seeing the people I love leave me,"** her voice cracked.
That silenced him for a second.
He arranged his words, "You know that it's too late for you to tell me now right? I begged you to tell me this whole time and you said nothing. Nothing!" his voice raised.
"It's too late.." he called her name. Oh, how heartwrenching it was to hear her name on his lips again.
She's on the verge of tears. "I don't care if it's too late or not. I'll go back in time and would still choose the same path over and over again!"
"Why are you telling me now? I don't want to listen to any of this anymore." he's sick of everything. He just wanted to end everything quickly. So he could go back to sleep and prepare for his work tomorrow.
"Because I lost you now." She cried.
"I lost you now.." she felt suffocated. "and you are the proof that my insecurity will always win."
she continued to cry.
"Everyone will finally leave anyway. Including you"
* * *
Nobody knew she always counts the days she spent with the people she love since day 1 they met, because if one day they leave; at least she know the timeline; to prepare if she was to be abandoned again in the future.
She wanted to have someone who could listen to her, be with her through her ups and her down, through her giving them hell and her giving them heaven. Through her loneliest day and fullest nights, through the shits and flowers. She needs someone who she can be vulnerable with, and tell every weakness that she has. And even after all those bloody moments, that person stays. Lasts.
But it takes her everything to keep it to herself. Nobody knew how hard it is holding every emotion by herself. Because she's afraid that she might burden them. She's afraid that she was just dumping her stuffs on them and annoy them. She's being careful and considerate of the other person.
What if one day they wanna leave? What if the feeling of guilt for turning her fear** into reality stops them from leaving? Only pity and sympathy left for her. Wouldn't that make her fool out of herself? Wouldn't that make her run free in her own imagination when the other person was making it as a laughing stock and say "poor that lunatic girl".
She just wanted to make everything clear. If they wanna leave, then just go. Let's not make them hesitate. Let's not make them stay out of feeling sorry. One day, when they're leaving, she'll tell them the truth. Not to blame, not to make them reluctant of their own choice, but to set the boundaries; though facing with her utmost fear - she still can let them go.
Though it's going to take her months, maybe years to overcome her crying at night, treacherous nightmares, and waking up to sudden traumatic panic attacks, of her GERD and gastritis problems, of the sudden weight loss and appetite loss.
She's too tired. She's done. Never again.
